(I'm feeling really crummy today so I'm trying to cheer myself up by making people laugh. This is something my mom told me so I figured you guys might enjoy it. I know I did ^^)


The Story of Jack Schitt

Jack Schitt is the son of Awe Schitt and Oh Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Oh Schitt, the owner of the Kneedeep Schitt Inn. Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and they produced six children. Holy Schitt, their first, passed on shortly after childbirth. Next came twin sons, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt; two daughters, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt; another son, Bull Schitt. Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. Dip Schitt Married Lotta Schitt and they have a son named Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt married the Happens brothers. The Schitt-Happens children are Dawk Schitt, Byrd Schitt and Horace Schitt. Bull Schitt just married a Spicy little number named Pisa Schitt, and they are awaiting the arrival of Baby Schitt.




REDNECK COMPUTER LINGO

- "Hard Drive" --Trying to climb a steep, muddy hill with 2 flat tires and a trailer load of fertilizer.

- "Keyboard" -- Place to hang you truck keys.

- "Window" -- Place in the truck to hang your guns.

- "Modem" --How you got rid of your dandelions.

- "Reboot" -- What you do when the first pair gets covered with barnyard stuff.

- "Network" -- Activity meant to provide bait for your trot line.

- "Mouse" -- Fuzzy, soft thing you chase around your house.

- "LAN" -- To borrow as in, "Hey Delbert! LAN me your truck."

- "Cursor" -- What some guys do when they are mad at their wife and/or girlefriend.

- "Bit" -- A wager, as in "I bit you can't spit that watermelon seed across the porch longways."

- "Digital Control" -- Use of fingers on the TV.

- "Packet" -- What you do to a suitcase or Wal-Mart bag before a trip.




HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cats mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold from and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with on hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cats throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans. Apply Band-Aid to spouses forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbors shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on to neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage to put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records of last tetanus shot. Apply compress to cheek to disinfect.
Throw The shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from acroos the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little Bass-turds front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head virtically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air.

ENJOY XD

Clubs